 | His Holiness Girirāja Swami
Vraja Līlā’s name is so appropriate. When she knew she was going to die, she wanted only to be absorbed in Kṛṣṇa’s Vṛndāvana pastimes and pray for service. Śrī Vṛndāvana is the best place in the universe, because Kṛṣṇa’s pastimes are eternally manifest here. Although we may not be able to see His pastimes, we can feel the presence of Kṛṣṇa and His devotees and pray for their mercy. Every particle of dust, every tree, every creature, the Yamunā River, Govardhana Hill, and all the places of Kṛṣṇa’s pastimes are full of love for Kṛṣṇa and can give love for Him.
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| In Vṛndāvana there is no envy. Because Vraja Līlā had no desire for sense gratification, she had no envy. She was kind to all. Without envy or malice she was ready to hear from any sincere devotee who could help her remember Kṛṣṇa.
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| Although Vraja Līlā had all facility to advance in Kṛṣṇa consciousness and was trying to take full advantage of the association and mercy offered by the devotees, she could not feel fully satisfied until you came. And when she heard you might not come, she cried for hours. Her last desire was to see you, hear Kṛṣṇa’s name from you, and give up her body in your auspicious presence.
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| Finally you came and fulfilled her desires. Then she left.
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| I pray to become pure and simple like Vraja Līlā. I pray to be offenseless as she was. I pray to be open to all sincere devotees as she was. I pray to remember and appreciate her spiritual master like her. And I pray that I may please her by my service.
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| When we preach we can remember Vraja Līlā. Every soul potentially is like her. We preach to hundreds of people in the hope that one may become like her. The beginning may be a house or hall program, harināma, a book or a piece of prasāda, but the conclusion may be the same. Even answering the most basic questions may help some sincere soul ultimately reach the same destination. So when we preach we can think of her.
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| When a Vaiṣṇava departs we feel simultaneously happy and sad, as Śrīlā Prabhupāda said. We feel happy because the devotee has gone to Kṛṣṇa, and sorry because we will miss the devotee’s association.
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| But I think that as we approach the actual perfection of Kṛṣṇa consciousness, we will realize that Vraja Līlā is always with us as a very dear disciple, friend and well-wisher, and thus the sorrow of separation will transform into the happiness of association.
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| Mānasī Gaṇgā dāsī
The past week has been intense and ecstatic at the same time. After you gave Vaiṣṇavī dāsī and me the instruction to give up all other engagements and just help Gāndharvikā Giridhārī dāsī to take care of Vraja Līlā, we were both there most of the time. I took on the responsibility of staying awake all night, in case Vraja Līlā’s condition worsened or she needed something. I used to come home to sleep just for a few hours during the day, and then go back and help.
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| She was in so much pain at the time. We used to have to massage her and fan her and talk to her. It was very difficult, because we couldn’t understand what she needed. She was so gentle, though. Right until the end, if she asked for something and we got it for her, she would be very grateful. At one point, when we thought you weren’t coming, Gāndharvikā didn’t want Vraja Līlā to see me. Vraja Līlā knew I had been in contact with you, and every time she saw me she wanted to know if I had spoken to you and what you had said.
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| Then we heard that you were coming—but her condition was getting worse daily. All the devotees began to pray that she would stay until you came. She had a very strong desire to, because she had to stay 12 hours one night without oxygen. We didn’t think she would make it, and everyone is convinced it was her intense desire to see you that kept her alive that night. We kept telling her to hold on, that you were coming.
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| It was wonderful when you walked in the door that morning. I think she knew that you had come to take her home. I really think she was struggling to stay alive because she so badly wanted to see you. Then, when you came she knew everything was all right and she could go, so she went the same day.
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| You were writing something on one side of her bed. Gāndharvikā and I were on the other side. I was fanning her, and Gāndharvikā was feeding her some sweet milk. Then she noticed that Vraja Līlā could not open her mouth. Her teeth seemed to be locked and she began to shake. It was a bad sign, and we immediately told you. You instantly stopped what you were doing and began kīrtana.
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| I don’t know how long that kīrtana went on. I know devotees were coming into the room, but I didn’t notice who they were. Vraja Līlā was breathing very heavily and with difficulty. You and Gāndharvikā were kneeling on either side of her bed, and I was sitting next to Gāndharvikā. Someone gave me pictures of Rādhā-Śyāmasundara to show her. Time seemed to stand still, and it was just a little world of your Divine Grace, Gāndharvikā, Vraja Līlā and me. I was watching Vraja Līlā’s face the whole time. She was staring at the pictures of Rādhā-Śyāmasundara and listening all the time as you were instructing her to chant in her mind, to hear the holy name, to see how beautiful Kṛṣṇa is. At one stage, I think her right eye began to fail. I noticed that it clouded over and I couldn’t see a distinct separation between the pupil and the iris of her eye. I think it may have gone, but her left eye was clear until the end. She seemed to be listening to you all the time. In the beginning she looked frightened, but towards the end, when I think she knew that she was definitely leaving her body, she didn’t seem afraid any more.
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| I will never forget the last five minutes. It was clear she was about to leave. She started taking very deep breaths. We knew she was going. Everyone began chanting in unison. Her eyes were rolling, so I put the photos down and put my hands on her shoulders, and I began screaming the holy names at her as loud as I could. I noticed you were also chanting loudly. The kīrtana was tumultuous. Then we thought she left. Someone put tulasī in her mouth. But then at the same time you and I both noticed that her neck was moving. We continued to chant very loudly. But it took only about another thirty seconds. She took one final breath, and I think I know the moment when she left. I saw her pupils fully dilated, and I knew for sure she was gone. Then I saw Gāndharvikā falling. I managed to catch her before she hit the ground. I was holding her tightly in my arms. When I looked up I saw you were kneeling at the side of the bed crying.
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| It is the first time I have experienced death. Before it was a secret and mystical thing, and I was always afraid of it. But after witnessing Vraja Līlā leave I am not afraid any more. As long as devotees are with someone to help them remember Kṛṣṇa when they leave, I am sure they are safe. I feel that you took Vraja Līlā home to the spiritual sky.
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| Vraja Līlā was lamenting before she knew that you were coming. One day she asked me to bring all the letters I had received from you, and I read them to her. She was surprised at how many letters I had, because I have received quite a few from you through the years and have kept them all. She was so happy to listen to all of them. She told me she received only one letter from you. But after I saw your reaction when she left, after I saw how much you care, I understood so much better the relationship between spiritual master and disciple. It is a spiritual relationship—the physical presence and association are important, but insignificant compared with the deep bond of spiritual association through service and meditation. I saw how much love you have for her, and that is what made me cry. You were crying out of separation for a beloved spiritual daughter, and I was crying because I never knew that you cared so much for your disciples.
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| So that is my description and realizations of my very special godsister leaving her body. I am actually deeply lamenting now, because I don’t think that I will ever be able to please you as much as Vraja Līlā and Gāndharvikā Giridhārī pleased you. Hopefully, by taking Gāndharvikā‘s association I may be able to learn something from her.
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| Kumārī Kānta devī dāsī
I was fortunate to have some association with your dear disciple, Vraja Līlā devī dāsī, during the last few days of her life here in Vṛndāvana. I was amazed to see her courage and determination, her clarity of thought and her great love for you. I saw that her attachment for you was so intense and her faith in you and your instructions so deep that Kṛṣṇa personally arranged for you to travel thousands of miles to be with her at the hour of her passing away. She was simply waiting for you to come.
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| Witnessing her love and faith in guru and your tremendous love for your disciple has given me great hope and inspiration. We are seeing disciples of ISKCON gurus becoming pure and quitting their bodies in full Kṛṣṇa consciousness. We are witnessing wonderfully sweet personal dealings of cooperation between devotees in helping one another at that time of great need, and we are seeing the sincerity and dedication of Śrīlā Prabhupāda’s disciples such as Your Holiness, who are so lovingly responsible in their duty of delivering their disciples.
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| Thank you for allowing us to share these precious moments. I feel purified by your association and by the association of your disciples.
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| Mahā-māyā devī dāsī
You’ve asked for my realizations, having been present when Vraja Līlā devi dāsī left her body. First of all, I am marveling at Śrīlā Prabhupāda’s mercy that any of us even know of Vṛndāvanadhāma, what to speak of the knowledge that the most auspicious way to leave this material world is chanting the holy names in the association of the Vaiṣṇavas in Vṛndāvana. It is Śrīlā Prabhupāda’s glory that Vraja Līlā prabhu left her body in such an auspicious way. Somehow or other I happened to be allowed to give my support and chant the holy names during her last hour in this material world. I understood that even though your good self, her spiritual master, was there, as well as the other Vaiṣṇavas, still she had to fly her own airplane. We could encourage and chant the holy names so she could hear, but ultimately she had to struggle with the release of the soul from the body. We could do only so much to help her, but we couldn’t experience what she had to go through. However, it’s more clear to me now that my time, and everybody’s time, will come. Since then I’ve been praying to be allowed to leave my body in Vṛndāvana surrounded by devotees chanting the holy names also. Vraja Līlā prabhu was so fortunate.
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| I can’t claim to have had a personal relationship with her. My role was simply supportive. I chanted in her room a few times during the week she died. One particularly sweet kīrtana, led by Gāndharvikā devī dāsī, a disciple of Madhu Sevitā prabhu, was going on when Vraja Līlā learned that you would come to Vṛndāvana to see her. Then on October 13th I happened to pass by her room and I decided to offer my respects. When inside I was asked to play the karatālas. At first I said I couldn’t stay long because I had a meeting to attend. Then I thought that being in her room was more important and that the devotees at the meeting would understand, which of course they did. So I felt privileged to witness and participate in the experience of Vraja Līlā prabhu leaving this world. I wonder who this great soul actually is to be so fortunate as to leave her body the way she did.
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| After Vraja Līlā prabhu left I was looking at those of us still stuck in this material world, and I was thinking how we are not aware of how temporary this life is. Now that a few days have passed, I’m already back into my usual frame of mind and, therefore, I know that the lessons I learned have not been fully realized. Nonetheless, it was an unforgettable experience.
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| I’d also like to say that I was very moved by your kindness to your disciple to leave your busy preaching schedule to come all the way to Vṛndāvana to see her. You were obviously giving her every ounce of your mercy in her last moments with no thought of your own comfort.
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| And finally, I haven’t mentioned how it was that Vraja Līlā Prabhu was able to choose the time that she wanted to leave her body and wait for your arrival before departing.
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| Thank you for allowing me to share my meager realizations. Hare Kṛṣṇa.
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| Nārāyaṇī dāsī
I had some association with Vraja Līlā dāsī during the past few months. She would be sitting in the temple chanting and I would sometimes speak to her. She was always cheerful, and if I asked her how she was feeling she would just smile, shrug her shoulders and say either “OK” or “not so good.” She was very serious about spiritual life for such a young girl.
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| I didn’t see her for some time, but then I saw her the last few days of her life. She was always very conscious of what was going on around her. About four days before she left her body, I came into the room, and there was a Māyāvādī girl dressed in saffron. She was making offensive statements about a tape of Śrīla Prabhupāda that was playing. Vraja Līlā immediately asked that she leave the room. Then I started singing Hare Kṛṣṇa with the tamboura. Vraja Līlā calmed down and went to sleep.
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| The next day I came back and saw Vraja Līlā drink some milk, which she hadn’t done for a long time. The devotees were happy. According to the doctor, she should have left her body by then. But I think that she was waiting for you, her Guru Mahārāja, to come, so she drank milk to stay alive until then.
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| The next time I saw Vraja Līlā was the last hour of her life. It was 3:00 p.m. and you were chanting in her right ear, leading a kīrtana with the devotees responding. It was an intense kīrtana, but neither fast nor loud. Gāndharvikā was also chanting in her left ear. Mānasī Gaṇgā was holding up two 8” by 10” pictures of the faces of Rādhā-Śyāmasundara, and Gāndharvikā was holding a Govardhana-ṣilā right in front of Vraja Līlā’s face. I was told that all the arrangements such as oxygen, injections and pain killers were failing. Vraja Līlā was struggling, but with great effort she was chanting, being urged on by you. She would move her arms and touch the pictures and look at them, and I think she was chanting practically up to the last minute of her life. Many devotees were crying. I was also crying because I thought that she was so fortunate. She had you instructing her and chanting to her right up to the last minute. She was only 19, yet she attained the goal of life. And here I am, a devotee for 24 years, and maybe I’ll have to struggle on for another 20 to 30 years in this world. Maybe I’ll forget Kṛṣṇa, maybe I won’t get to die in Vṛndāvana. I just pray to get the same mercy as Vraja Līlā, to die in Vṛndāvana surrounded by devotees chanting Hare Kṛṣṇa and reminding me of the Lord.
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| Pārvatī dāsī
I entered Vraja Līlā’s room the afternoon she was to pass away. I had a good vantage point to see your incredible mercy. You were down on your hands and knees, positioned to chant in Vraja Līlā’s right ear, while Gāndharvikā chanted in the other. In between mantras you issued instructions to Vraja. I can say with conviction that she was lucid throughout every moment of the experience, right to the end. I kept thinking how fortunate she was to have her spiritual master present before her to personally fortify her confidence. Your main instruction to her was to “keep chanting the holy name.” Your kīrtana was so uplifting I can’t remember the last time I became so deeply affected. All the devotees in the room became enchanted with this sublime chanting of the holy name. There was nothing more than you chanting harināma, and Gāndharvikā Giridhārī holding the Govardhana-śilā in front of Vraja’s vision. The whole room was uplifted and surcharged. I helped pour Rādhā-kuṇḍa water on to cotton for Gāndharvikā to drip into Vraja’s mouth, then into your hand to drench and smear on Vraja’s head. As Vraja’s breathing became extraordinarily laboured, your chanting lifted every one of us in the room to an unbelievable transcendental peak. That chanting soared higher and higher and visibly lifted Vraja Līlā right out of her body. Suddenly her heavy convulsive breathing stopped, and I grabbed for the cotton soaked in Rādhā-kuṇḍa water and squeezed it into her mouth. I also put a tulasī leaf into her mouth. It fell out, and Nandulal pushed another one in. Then there was one last twitch of Vraja’s forefinger, a last attempt at a breath within her throat, and Vraja Līlā was carried away by the mahā-mantra.
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| Rohiṇīnandana dāsa
When I first saw Vraja Līlā Prabhu a few days ago, I felt sorry to see a I9-year-old girl—practically a child—in such a plight. Then, as I executed her request of reading to her, I felt awed and intensely enlivened by her association. Indeed, whenever I had a spare moment I felt drawn to visit her. I was able to see a devotee finishing up her sojourn of billions of births and deaths. Because she had the inestimable good fortune to die in Vṛndāvana and be aware that death was upon her, she prepared herself moment by moment. She knew exactly what she wanted and what she needed. I was struck by her simplicity and honesty, by her courage as she mastered her fear. It was wonderful the way she left her body in full Kṛṣṇa consciousness. You were reassuring her, coaching her and chanting Hare Kṛṣṇa. I won’t forget her final glance at you as if to ask, “Am I doing OK?’’ a few moments before she died. Certainly she passed death’s stringent test with grade A1.
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| During these events my recurring thought has been how alike birth and death are. Of course, I have a male body and also no recollection of my previous births and deaths. But still I have noticed some parallels such as the pain, the fear, the joy, the atmosphere of expectancy, the sense of loss and gain. Also the labor, the sheer hard work, the feeling of being trapped, of wanting it to end, of losing it and then refocusing one’s energies and will on the business at hand—delivering one’s baby or one’s soul or self. And when the dreadful moment of birth or death arrives, how all present rush to crowd closely around. And perhaps above all, how although birth and death are most ordinary and commonplace, they are also incredibly extraordinary.
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| I pay my obeisances repeatedly to Vraja Līlā and to Lord Kṛṣṇa’s divine energy, Māyā-devī, because although I have been granted the vivid experience of seeing Vraja Līlā living, dying and dead, and her charred bones crumbling into the flames, and although I know the very same will happen to me, I cannot imagine it. My mind seems to turn away from the very idea. As Mahārāja Yudhiṣṭhira said, “Such illusion is indeed the most strangely wonderful thing in this world.”
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| Śyāmasundarī dāsī
Gāndharvikā told me that you were collecting realizations from the devotees who were there when Vraja Līlā left her body, so I thought I would write something. Her passing away made a big impression in my heart.
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| I knew Vraja Līlā only a little. Because of the barrier of language there was never so much verbal exchange, but I appreciated her qualities of sweetness and shyness very much. She sometimes came to my place with our friend Govinda dāsī in whose house Vraja Līlā was living. We were sitting all together in the temple room, and while Govinda dāsī and I were talking she was quietly observing my Gaura-Nitāi Deities, the painting of Rādhā and Kṛṣṇa above Their heads, and the Prabhupāda deity.
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| Then one day I heard that she was really sick, and I went to visit her. I could see that she was preparing herself for death and that she was very eager for Krṣṇa conscious association and the mercy of the devotees.
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| Because of her sweet attitude towards others, and because she was looking so helpless, many devotees were inclined to do something for her. I did a little service for her, not much. She was served by nice, qualified devotees who were helping her spiritually and physically. The best thing I could do for Vraja Līlā was to pray to Kṛṣṇa that He could fulfill all her desires and that Vraja Līlā could be blessed with the presence of her Guru Mahārāja while she was leaving her body.
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| Day by day her pain was increasing and she was getting overwhelmed by it, despite all the efforts of Gāndharvikā and the other devotees to alleviate her suffering and to help her remember Kṛṣṇa. However, something was lacking, and only when you came did I feel that she could now go, she could now reach her desired goal.
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| I was there when she left her body, and it was an unforgettable experience. What struck me the most was the power of the guru’s mercy, the power of the holy name and the power of the devotees’ prayers. I could see with my own eyes that intimate heart connection I’m always hankering for with my Guru Mahārāja. There was no longer any bodily designation—only soul to soul and love was the only connection. I could see how the guru is the best servant of the disciple, and how he loves us much more than we can ever begin to imagine. And I could see how the disciple, when he truly surrenders to his guru’s lotus feet, binds his spiritual master with his powerful love. To witness this gave me so much hope and faith, and increased my desire to focus my life on the service of my Guru Mahārāja.
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| The atmosphere was so intense, everyone was chanting the holy name with all their hearts. We were all pushing Vraja Līlā back to Kṛṣṇa’s lotus feet. Because of her strong desire and because of your presence, even though she was struggling so much with her breathing she was able to chant the holy name. It was extremely touching for me to see her efforts, your efforts and all the devotees’ efforts to help her remember Kṛṣṇa. This is the essence of devotee association.
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| The experience of assisting her was intense. Although we were happy she made it, we are also missing her presence because each devotee is unique. Her association was precious and valuable.
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| I would just like to thank you, Mahārāja, and to thank Vraja Līlā and all the devotees who were assisting her for this wonderful experience. It helped me to appreciate more deeply this treasure Prabhupāda has given us, and it gave me a clear vision of the meaning of the guru-disciple relationship.
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| Kālindi dāsī
I was present when Vraja Līlā left this world, and this experience has made such an impact on me that I felt impelled to write you this short letter of appreciation. I have witnessed devotees leaving their bodies in Vṛndavana before, but this time seemed extra-special. It was so inspiring, enlivening and moving, stirring sentiments from deep within me.
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| Realizations have been flooding my heart, and I pray that these impressions penetrate and remain with me throughout my devotional life. By Kṛṣṇa and Vraja Līlā’s mercy I was able to taste the sweetness of Kṛṣṇa consciousness, experience the potency of the holy name, observe and relish the loving and caring relationships between devotees, and understand more how the guru-disciple relationship is profound, significant and based on pure love.
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| I consider myself fortunate to have done some small service for her. I did not previously have a close friendship with her, but started going to see her regularly about two weeks before she died. During this time I noticed how my affection for her grew day by day until I realized that she had stolen my heart. She was sweet and endearing because of her sincerity and purity.
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| After she left I helped bathe her body in Rādhā-kuṇḍa water and then dress her in new cloth. She was exquisitely beautiful, and again her purity struck me. On her delicate forehead I placed tulasī leaves in candana paste and traced the tilaka mark there. Someone else wrote the holy names in Sanskrit on her forehead. These moments will remain with me forever.
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| I am extremely grateful to Kṛṣṇa for all this mercy, as are the other devotees who were present. Some have related how their hearts have been transformed by this auspicious event.
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| The first time I went to see Vraja Līlā at Lalitā šśrama she asked me questions about prayer—what to pray for and how to pray with intensity. Yet I felt that she already knew the answers. She was fixed in her desire to know how to capture Kṛṣṇa’s presence in her heart and to be able to have Him in her mind constantly. I told her to beg Him to come, and to have the faith that He would manifest. When I asked her if she was aware of Kṛṣṇa’s mercy and how much He was taking care of her, she said that she was.
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| She also wanted to know how to transcend the pain in order to have this prayerful mood. I related Mother Gauri’s story to her, how towards the end Mother Jagāttarinī was at her side (with Vidyā on the other) and she would repeat incessantly, “Prabhupāda said if you chant Hare Kṛṣṇa you won’t feel any pain.” According to Jagāttarinī she was able to transcend the pain. Vraja seemed inspired and grateful, but I felt very unqualified to give her guidance.
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| The next day I brought her photos of Rādhā and Kṛṣṇa (those we held before her during her last moments). When I showed Them to her, Mother Vṛndāvana Vilāsinī, who was there, said, “Look! They have come to you.” It really felt like They had. Vraja smiled sweetly as we stuck them up on the wall before her.
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| Two days before she left I requested Vraja Līlā to please say a special prayer on my behalf when she met Kṛṣṇa. She thought, then humbly said, “I will try to give your prayer to Śrīlā Prabhupāda. I hope to see Śrīlā Prabhupāda.” She said it with so much conviction that I became overjoyed at the thought that Śrīlā Prabhupāda might hear my prayer—my personal prayer. Gāndharvikā Giridhārī later explained that Vraja did not feel she was qualified to meet Kṛṣṇa directly—but she had faith she’d go to Śrīlā Prabhupāda.
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| Thank you, Mahārāja, and thank you also to your disciples who took good care of Vraja Līlā, playing their roles wonderfully in this transcendental līlā of assisting a special soul. My faith has deepened considerably.
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| Vaijayantī Mālā dāsī
It was such an honor for me to serve Vraja Līlā. From the beginning she invoked motherly feelings in me, and she reciprocated in a way that made me think this was an appropriate mood for our relationship. This mood continued until the end, when she left her body and exposed the actual nature of the relationship. She was the one giving me shelter. Somehow she allowed me to serve her, and I did it in the mood of helping her. The more she deteriorated, the more help she needed and the more time I was giving. However, after her departure I saw that she had been helping me in a very deep way, and I am still assimilating what I acquired from the experience.
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| Whenever we went to preach to her (or to discuss or chant), she would often become so enlivened by the opportunity. She would speak with us until she was silenced by exhaustion. Then she would lie peacefully and hear more, often interrupting with a question which indicated how attentive she was. When her hearing diminished she lamented constantly, “I’ve been cursed. I can no longer hear about Kṛṣṇa.”
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| Vraja Līlā, thank you for letting me serve you. Your sweet nature and humility won our hearts and taught us deeply. Your clear memory was put to perfect use by learning the prayers of the Gauḍīya Vaiṣṇava ācāryas, which you recited with sincere yearning. A real Vaiṣṇavī, you respected everyone deeply, never wasting a moment on idle talk. You never feared death, just the pain that was torturing you and making our hearts ache. How relaxed I felt when you were removed from that agony.
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| Gāndharvikā Giridhārī, thank you for letting me assist in my insignificant way. I have never seen anyone serve a Vaiṣṇava as you served your beloved godsister. I never knew that such affection existed between two devotees. I always heard that a mother’s love was the closest emotion to selfless love, but I think your love for Vraja Līlā surpassed that. In your mood of service to her you transcended all normal bodily needs—waking every half hour day after day, never becoming disturbed by her incessant flow of requests, and never completing a meal at one sitting. Massaging, fanning, feeding, translating, organizing, preaching day and night minute by minute, you did whatever was required. You have won your way into your spiritual master’s heart by your selfless, dedicated and unconditional service. You are so unconditional in your service that you sold your apartment just to serve guru and godsister to the best of your ability. I beg for a drop of your devotion to guru and Vaiṣṇavas.
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| Indradyumna Mahārāja, thank you for playing your very significant role so perfectly. You were worried that leaving Poland meant that hundreds of conditioned souls would not be exposed to Kṛṣṇa consciousness. But by coming to Vṛndāvana you preached on a much deeper level to hundreds of Vaiṣṇavas, even though you did not realize this would happen. Because of your soft heart you allowed yourself to be a valuable instrument in Kṛṣṇa’s hands.
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