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Vraja-līlā
<< 5 Praying for Attachment to her Guru >>
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| While living in Vṛndāvana she was always expressing the desire to deepen her relationship with her spiritual master. She often praised my good fortune, that although she had received only one letter from him I had received many. She suggested that due to her lack of faith for him he never wrote any letters to her personally. But I always reminded her that he had given her special mercy by giving her first and second initiation so quickly, as well as the instruction to come to Śrī Vṛndāvana-dhāma.
| | In May 1994, when Śrīla Gurudeva’s disciples in Vṛndāvana observed his Vyāsa-pūjā celebration, she touched everyone’s heart with her sincere offering to him:
| | “Dear Śrīla Gurudeva,
I bow down to your divine lotus feet with great awe and reverence. All glories to you.
You always support me by your mercy. This year, by allowing me to come to Vṛndāvana, you have given me the opportunity to pray to the holy dhāma, Śrīla Prabhupāda, and Lord Kṛṣṇa. Here I have met many elevated Vaiṣṇavas so devoted to Śrīla Prabhupāda‘s teachings. I am trying to follow them in their devotion. Recently, we celebrated Śrīla Prabhupāda‘s disappearance day. On that day I could see the open hearts of his disciples; I realized that he lives eternally. That festival gave Śrīla Prabhupāda to us, his grand-disciples, who never had the chance to see him. On that day I was thinking about you, my spiritual master, who devote your whole life to Śrīla Prabhupāda. When the ācārya leaves, only the weak disciples become blinded. Those who are strong take vows to follow his instructions even more strictly. I remember your words, “Let us be blessed by Śrīla Prabhupāda to preach his mission all over the world.”
You have this blessing and, therefore, you are never separated from him. Wherever you are, you serve him all the time. You are his servant who gives your whole heart to him. There is no more glorious position than yours. That day I prayed to Śrīla Prabhupāda to let me obtain the same strong faith in your instructions as you have in his. I will always try to make your instructions my life and soul. I am inspired thinking of the moments when I will have the opportunity to get your direct association by serving you personally. Then I won’t be separated from you at any time. Even the terrifying thought of death would not be able to cut the thread between us.
Dear Gurudeva, I beg you, please bless me by bestowing upon me the qualities of your best disciples who serve you purely. Make me humble so that the holy name will come and dance within my heart.
Now I am not even half-way to the desired goal and the way is difficult. On this day I pray to you, please free me from lust, greed and envy and everything which keeps me aloof from rendering pure devotional service unto you. You appeared in my life giving me light, and captured me by divine love. I am indebted to you eternally, my dear beloved, eternal father, Śrīla Gurudeva.
Your eternal servant
Vraja Līlā Dāsī
(Vṛndāvana)”
| | She missed her spiritual master very much while living in Vṛndāvana. Once in Śrīmad-Bhāgavatam class, she heard that Vṛndāvana-dhāma is a very special place for praying for the mercy of the guru because the original guru, Lord Balarāma, is eternally residing in Vṛndāvana. That morning I heard her praying sincerely to Lord Balarāma to increase her attachment to her spiritual master.
| | On Rādhāṣṭamī, September 12th, she got the opportunity to go on Rādhā-kuṇḍa and Varṣāna parikramās. She was so happy to be able to go to these divine places and pray for mercy. But she was already very weak from the previous day’s activities at Uñchogaon, and while climbing the hill to Varṣāna she had to be supported by the other women. They reached Larily Lāl mandira (the main Varṣāna temple) just at the moment that Rādhārāṇī’s festival was beginning. There was a huge crowd. Vraja Līlā worked her way close to the altar, and just as she arrived the pūjārī came out with a big plate of mahā-prasādam. He gave her the first portion, and she was immediately surrounded by hundreds of Vrajavāsīs wanting the mercy. Somehow or other she escaped and happily distributed what was left to all the parikramā devotees. Unfortunately, due to her exhausted condition, she then fainted in the temple and had to be carried to the bus by the women.
| | The next day, without my knowledge (although I had given her strict orders to rest in bed) she took the Russian disciples of Gopal Krishna Goswami on parikramā of all the major temples in Vṛndāvana. I was furious with her and chastised her later. I realized, however, that Vraja Līlā never wanted to miss an opportunity to go on parikramā. She was the proper person to take the devotees on parikramā, because, as I said before, she knew many of the pastimes of the holy places in the dhāma.
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